


baby, kiss me

by vulcanistics



Category: Football RPF, German NT RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, German National Team, Guilt, Infidelity, Kissing, M/M, slight Religious Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-02-28 00:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2712770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcanistics/pseuds/vulcanistics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with a kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- so i've been working on this baby for such a long time now and it's not done but i really wanted to post whatever i have. this is a fic, i'm very proud of and i hope you guys like it.  
> \- right, i'm terrible at summaries. this fic is about lukas and bastian (obviously) and it's about their relationship over the years. i was listening to 'xo' by beyoncé and i was just struck with the desire to write about lukas, bastian and kissing. this was supposed to be super fluffy and cute but when i started writing it, it took a direction of it's own. this is a fic, i'm very proud of and i hope you guys like it.  
> \- fic title is taken from 'xo' by beyoncé  
> \- i keep remembering stuff i wanted to mention in my author notes and so yeah, here's another one. i couldn't resist writing a hint of kloski. XD  
> \- thank you anna, for helping me with polish :)  
> \- disclaimer: well, this is a work of fiction and never happened. 
> 
> dedications  
> \- [farrah](http://moderncouchpotato.tumblr.com), thanks for being super supportive and for reading this fic in it's developing stages. you have been the absolute best. thank you for all your patience and inputs, comments and feedback. danke!  
> \- [fromyouraveragegirl,](http://fromyouraveragegirl.tumblr.com) you've been a great friend and i love talking to you. anastasia au is on the backburner and i can't take part in the schweinski fic exchange but hey, here's a fic for you! :)
> 
> **disclaimer: this is pure fiction dealing with fictional representations of real people. nothing described here happened.**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time period: 2004-2012

•○• 

Bastian Schweinsteiger kisses Lukas Podolski for the **first** time when he's wasted. Bastian is drunk, Lukas isn't. He doesn’t drink and tries to stay as far removed from alcohol as possible, but _Bastian’s_ dragged him to this bar. Bastian is his best friend, he couldn’t say ‘no’. So here they are, they've finished their first week of training with senior national team and it's euphoric. 

Bastian leans towards him, his words are slurred, “Die Mannschaft, _baby_." 

He understands where Bastian is coming from completely. They've made it. They’ve moved up in the ranks and they’re finally here. They’re playing for their country; they’re rubbing shoulders with all the legends.

Lukas is not really sure how it happens but suddenly Bastian's pressing up against him and kissing him. It should feel strange but it doesn't. They've known each other for quite some time now and kissing Bastian feels so good. Bastian tastes of beer but beneath that, he tastes of **cinnamon** and freshness.

Later in the night, when he's covering Bastian with a bedsheet, he'll wish he'd consumed alcohol. Bastian wouldn't remember the kiss tomorrow; he would. 

(Bastian isn’t very drunk; he’ll remember everything as well. He just won’t mention it and neither will Lukas)

•○•

The **second** time Bastian kisses him; it's a good night kiss (Lukas thinks of it as a good night kiss.) They're roommates at the training camp and there's a football match on the TV when Bastian presses his lips against his. Bastian pulls away from him before he can even react and flashes him a grin, "You're not a very good kisser."

(He's played the challenge card and Lukas accepts it.)

That's the first time Lukas initiates the kiss but it's the **third** time they've kissed. Lukas can feel Bastian's lips curl up into a smile and there's a strange fluttering sensation in his chest. He is **eighteen** years old at that time. He has been dating Monika Puchalski for six months but this isn't cheating. It's just kissing; that's what Lukas tells himself as Bastian pulls away from him, laughing and looking at him like he's the sun around which the planets revolve. (Bastian will always look at him like he's the _sun_ around which the _planets_ revolve.)

•○•

Lukas kisses Bastian for the **fourth** time on the 6 th of July, 2004. He turned nineteen two days ago. They both made their international debut for the national team on the 6th of July.

It's a date they're going to remember for the rest of their lives. (They just don’t know it yet. It’s a special date, yes, but they don’t know how much it’s going to mean to them in the years to come. It’s the beginning but not the actual start of **everything**.)

 Lukas giggles and laughs as Bastian’s warm hands slip under his t-shirt, tickling him. Their laughs can probably be heard by everyone in the hotel but Lukas doesn't really care. Why would he care when he's here with his best friend and they're going to be champions of the world ( _someday_ )? 

•○•

They make the team for Euro 2004. They kiss for the **fifth** , the _sixth_ , the _eighth_ , the **_tenth_** time. The team, the coaching staff, the media, _everybody_ sees them as the golden duo, the best friends, the two teenagers who entered the international stage together and were drawn to each other immediately. They drive everyone a little bit mad with all their pranks. Jürgen lectures them, trying to get them to be a little bit more disciplined but when he sees the effect that Lukas and Bastian have on the team, he sighs, they're really all overgrown children. Besides, they give it they're all during training and they're exceptional, everybody's allowed to have fun. Once upon a time, he was like them after all.

Lukas and Bastian weave sunlight and joy in among them, they’re magicians. Their youth is their magic. Hopes and dreams driving them forward. 

The team loves them. Lukas and Bastian are the pranksters, the jokers, the kids who are infectious in their joy. But they’re so much more than just that. They’re brimming with talent, they’re going to be a part of a golden generation. In 2004, they are the future. Poldi und Schweini. 

•○•

2005\. Lukas looks forward to 1.FC Köln playing Bayern Munich. He looks forward to seeing Bastian again. He talks to Bastian regularly, cradling the phone against his ear as he listens to Bastian. He tells Bastian he can’t wait to see him again and Bastian makes a kissing sound in reply. Lukas laughs and rolls his eyes. (He doesn't count that among their kisses, it most definitely isn’t a kiss. He's keeping count of every time their lips touch.)

They kiss for the **_eleventh_** , the _twelfth_ , the _fourteenth_ , the **seventeenth** time. 

•○•

 **Three** people catch them kissing during the course of the **_2006_** World Cup. They're playing at home, in their very own country and it makes them feel so proud (so _alive_ ).

Miroslav Klose is the **first** person. Miro finds Lukas and Bastian making out in a corner of their hotel. He stands there, watching in amusement. Lukas freaks out internally when he notices Miro and puts some distance between Bastian and him. He's burning with shame at being caught with Bastian. The shame has more to do with the fact that this is Miro. Here is a man who knows what's it like to be a Polish kid in Germany. He understands the conflict of their lives. Lukas somehow feels that he's let Miroslav down. 

Miro's face is calm and calculating. His eyes are warm; they're what they've always been. He coughs politely, waiting for an explanation (or maybe it's an apology for intruding on a _moment_.)

Bastian's fingers are trembling ever so slightly, he's nervous as he says, “Uhm this is a sort of tradition between us. People hug, we kiss."

Lukas thinks that now would be a good time to hit Bastian on the head. Miro raises an eyebrow, shifting his gaze to Lukas’ face. Lukas notices the amused twinkle in Miro’s eyes as Miro says, “I see.”

Lukas thinks he sees a small smirk on Miro's face as he walks away from them. He sighs in relief, he hasn't disappointed Miroslav.

 

Philipp is the **second** person to see them kiss and he doesn't react as well as Miroslav. It's the day before they play Italy in the semi-finals. Lukas is kissing Bastian outside their room (they're sleepy and tired and not thinking clearly.) Philipp walks out of his room and stares at them in shock, “Lukas, Bastian, what the fuck?" 

They're pushed into the room by Philipp who glares at them as they sit quietly, not meeting Philipp's eyes. 

“Do you two have any idea what would happen if the media got wind of this? Do you want to put your families through that sort of thing? Are you sleeping together? That's not the smartest thing to do because if one of you hurts the other, it's going to mess up the team." 

Philipp worries, he cares so deeply about everyone. Lukas thinks that one day, someday, Philipp will be a very good captain. 

Lukas stares at his feet, “We're not sleeping together, it's just kissing."

“It relieves tension." 

Philipp clearly doesn't buy their story, “Do your girlfriends know about how you relieve tension?" 

When he gets no answer, Philipp sighs, there’s nothing he can do here. He pats them both on their head on his way out, “Be careful."

 

Joachim Löw is the **third** person to find out about them. 

They lose to Italy. The Cup was so close but they faltered at the last moment and now they have to wait another _four_ years to have a shot at it again. Everyone is sad but they all know that they have one more match to play; the third place play-off. Jürgen puts Jogi in charge of making sure that the players reach their rooms. Jürgen trusts his boys but he wants to be safe, he sees the sheer disappointment in their eyes. 

Lukas fumbles with their hotel room key. Bastian's leaning against him, his eyes distant. They both cried about the match. Suddenly Bastian pushes him against the door and whispers against his lips, “We're going to win it together." 

And then Bastian kisses him. When Bastian pulls away, Lukas sees Jogi looking at them in surprise. Jogi averts his eyes and then looks back at Lukas and smiles. As Lukas stares at Jogi's retreating figure, he understands what Jogi was trying to say. He's not going to say anything. 

2006 is the year of their _summer_ fairytale.

 •○•

“The Poldi and Schweini marriage never happened. It was all an image. Nice to finally know what you think, _Podolski_." 

Lukas stares at Bastian. Bastian doesn’t call him Podolski. The man in front of him is shaking with anger and hurt. Lukas knows that Bastian has a temper, he's hot headed, he's not going to listen to anything. (In a few more years, Bastian will be different.) 

Lukas knows he has messed up. He may have just managed to fuck up his entire relationship ( _friendship_ ) with Bastian. 

“I had to say that." 

“No, you didn't but you went and said that our friendship is just an image. Fuck you, Podolski. We're done." 

_We're done._

Everyone notices that something has changed between Lukas and Bastian. There's a strained tension in the air. Everyone also knows what happened; it doesn't take a genius to figure out what went wrong.

 

He talks to Bastian, **five days** after they break up (but were they ever together?) He tells him about the interview. He tells him about his feelings, his insecurities, his worries, his desires. He lies there in Bastian's arms and tells him how everything frustrates him, he tells him that he was worried that people would talk about them, talk about them more than what was already being spoken of. He traces Bastian's palm and tells Bastian what he means to him, how much he values their friendship. It's the **first** time Lukas says 'I love you' to Bastian. 

And Bastian listens to Lukas talk, he listens and understands and when Lukas says 'I love you', he smiles. 

It's the _first_ time they actually talk about what they mean to each other. They realise that they're in a relationship with each other. After countless nights of sharing a bed, after **thirty-one** kisses, after ridiculous arguments, they finally understand that they love each other. They're in love with each other. 

But it's a dangerous love and they know that they can't go public, they know the consequences. It's impossible considering who they are and considering recent developments in Lukas' life.

Bastian thinks about Monika and Lukas' unborn child.  Lukas thinks of Sarah. 

•○•

Bastian cries when he holds **Louis** in his arms for the _first_ time. 

“This is my godson?" 

The wonder, pride and pure unadulterated love in Bastian's voice makes Lukas feel warm. He grins, “Yes, this angel is Louis Gabriel Podolski." 

Bastian strokes Louis' cheek lightly and whispers, “Hi, Louis, this is your uncle Basti speaking." 

They're sitting side-by-side on the couch in Monika's hospital room. Monika is asleep, or so, they think. 

Lukas leans forward and presses his lips to Bastian's for the **thirty-ninth** time. Louis stirs in Bastian's arms. Monika closes her eyes. 

•○•

Two days before Lukas' departure from Bayern is announced, they have sex for the **first** time. Lukas has never had sex with someone who is not his girlfriend; he's never had sex with a man. Bastian hasn't had sex with a man before either but they fumble through it. It's desperate and needy. 

His _best_ friend (boyfriend) is fucking him, Lukas doesn't freak out. He wants this. He needs this. They've waited long enough. 

He loves Bastian; loves him the way the moon loves the earth, he'll always be drawn to his _gravity_. 

Bastian kisses his neck and whispers against his skin, "I love you." 

“I love you too." 

(He knows that Bastian loves him the way the planets love the sun, he's finally seen the way Bastian looks at him.) 

They fall asleep like that. Arms around each other, clinging tightly to each other; they don't want to let go. They _have_ to let go. 

•○•

They travel to South Africa for the 2010 World Cup. 

When Bastian rushes up to him after he misses the penalty against Serbia, Lukas wants to kiss him. He doesn't want to hear Bastian's words of comfort; he wants Bastian to kiss him. (He wants to feel Bastian’s chapped lips on his. He wants to breathe in his scent. He wants Bastian to hold him and to reassure him.) He knows that they can't kiss in public and so he fights back tears and takes strength from Bastian's solid, strong, warm presence. They lose against Serbia. 

Bastian kisses him for the **fifty-sixth** time in the safety of their room. Comfort sex is really good. It's the _tenth_ time they have sex. It's slow, loving, gentle, _comforting_. 

They make it through the group stages, the round of 18, the quarter-finals and then they’re in the semi-final.

They lose to Spain in the semi-finals. Lukas watches Bastian sink to his knees on the field. They were so close.  The sex that night is desperate and they both know why. 

•○•

Bastian kisses him for the **sixty-eighth** time the day Lukas tells him he's going to marry Monika. He tells Bastian that it's what he has to do; it's the right thing to do. He says that he's doing it for Monika and Louis. He still wants what he has with Bastian. (He  feels like a _hypocrite._ )

Bastian pulls him close to him and kisses him. It's a light touch of their lips (but it feels like there's a _knife_ buried in his heart and Bastian has just twisted the handle.) Bastian rests his palm on Lukas' chest. Lukas wonders if Bastian can sense his heartbeat through layers of skin. He wonders if Bastian would know what it meant. He wonders if Bastian would know that his heart is screaming at him. (He knows that he's doing the wrong thing, he's hurting four people - Monika, Louis, Bastian and himself.) 

“She's a lucky woman." 

Lukas knows he's going to get married to Monika, to his childhood sweetheart, to the mother of his son but here he is with Bastian. He sees the masked hurt, beneath the joy in Bastian's eyes and his heart breaks. Louis needs a family, that's his internal argument. It sounds pathetic to his ears. 

He doesn’t want to lose Bastian, he can’t lose Bastian. He blurts out the question that’s been bothering him since he made the decision to marry Monika, “Will this change us?" 

Bastian doesn’t look at him when he replies. His voice has taken a colder, harder edge.

 _“Maybe_." 

When Bastian fucks him a little rougher than usual, Lukas doesn't say anything.

 

Bastian refuses to be his best man. Lukas is not surprised. If his friends and family notice the absence of Lukas’ team mates (Bastian), they don’t comment on it. They think it’s because Lukas and Monika wanted a small, private wedding. 

Monika knows that Bastian had turned down the wedding invitation. She doesn’t let Lukas know how relieved she is by Bastian’s absence. Why would Bastian want to come to the wedding of the man he was fucking? Monika refuses to let herself think that Lukas and Bastian might be in love. Lukas is marrying her. He’s only fucking Bastian, they’ll stop now that Lukas is getting married. (She creates a **lie** , she believes.) 

•○•

Bastian doesn't help Lukas pack for Arsenal. He sits on Lukas' bed and watches Lukas dance around his room, grabbing clothes and shoes. If this was anyone else, he might have helped them pack but this is Lukas. Lukas is leaving, leaving Köln, leaving Germany, leaving _him_. He doesn't realise he's crying until he finds himself wrapped in Lukas' arms.

“Mein hase, don't cry." 

“You're leaving the fucking country, Lukas. I'm going to cry." 

Lukas kisses Bastian. It's their **eighty-fourth** kiss. When Bastian collapses on Lukas after they have sex for the twentieth time, Lukas kisses his head and says, "We'll Skype and text." 

Bastian nods but doesn't say anything. Lukas is glad Monika and Louis aren't at home. 

Monika starts crying the moment Sarah picks up the phone. Bastian's girlfriend is silent on the other end. She doesn't have to ask what's wrong, she already knows. Monika takes a deep breath, "Sometimes I want to let them know that we know about them but most times, I want to act like there's nothing going on between them but then I come home and I hear them and I have to get out of the house.  I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm glad Lukas is going to London." 

Sarah listens to Monika rant. She cries silently for the wife who's looking the other way, she cries for herself, the girlfriend who is doing the same. She cries because of the two men who they love but who love each other. 

•○•

Lukas isn’t surprised to find Miroslav on the terrace of their hotel. Miro has his back towards Lukas and his face is tilted upwards - but Lukas still sees the shattered man. He leans against the railing with Miroslav and doesn’t say anything for awhile. He listens to the sounds of Poland. And then he pulls Miro in for a sideways one-armed hug because he knows Miro is hurting. He _knows_ everyone in the team is hurting but **Miroslav** has a special connection to Poland. **_He_** has a special connection to Poland. The two of them - they have two hearts beating in their chests and tonight, both their hearts have shattered. In 2006, Italy beat them in the semi-finals of the World Cup in Germany. Germany is home. In 2012, Italy beat them in the semi-finals of the Euro Cup in Poland. _Poland_ is also home.

He presses a kiss against Miroslav’s forehead, “ _Mirek_.” 

 _“Ile jeszcze musimy wycierpieć, Łukasz? Ile jeszcze?”_  

How long do we have to be in pain? It’s Miroslav’s question in Polish that breaks Lukas. There are tears in his eyes as he replies in the language of their home. He voices his thoughts (they are Miro’s thoughts as well). He tells Miro that they both wanted to make Germany and Poland proud and that hasn’t happened this time. He tells him that they’ve just have to keep moving forward and never stop believing. He says that 2014 is going to be their year; he **feels** it in his bones. Lukas is positivity and joy personified and Miroslav can’t help but smile. 

Lukas looks behind and grins as he sees Bastian and Thomas walk towards them. Bastian kisses him and wraps his arm around him. The team knows about them - they came out to their teammates, the coaches and the staff at the start of the tournament. It went better than they’d expected, maybe because nobody was surprised (their relationship was the worst kept secret). 

Miro has an armed draped around Thomas’ shoulder. Lukas has Bastian’s arm around him. 

The constellation Orion is in the sky. The three stars of Orion’s belt point towards Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky. That’s **_four_** stars. The stars shine down on the four beautiful souls huddled together on a terrace of a Polish hotel.

 

•○•

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- sarah and monika, i'm so sorry.  
> \- working on a mix for this asdfghjkl  
> \- i'm not sure when i'll be able to write next so idk when i'm going to be able to update. this fic might not be updated till may, apologies in advance.
> 
> translation:  
> Ile jeszcze musimy wycierpieć, Łukasz? Ile jeszcze? = How long do we have to be in pain? How long?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time period: 2012-2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- okay, so i lied. here's the next chapter! i have exams in january and then i have finals in march, so this is probably going to be the last update for a while. (i know i said the same thing last time but omg, i really need to study.)  
> \- there's so much of angst in this chapter  
> \- warning for depression
> 
> also, a big thank you to [farrah](http://moderncouchpotato.tumblr.com), [serena](http://fromyouraveragegirl.tumblr.com), [beth](http://kevinmirallasbaby.tumblr.com). thank you for all the support and the patience you've shown towards me.

•○• 

London is nice. It’s different from Cologne. It’s different from Munich. Walking through the streets of London, Lukas feels an overwhelming sense of longing for home. He misses Cologne, Monika, Louis and _Bastian_. 

He likes it at Arsenal, likes the atmosphere, the players and the fans. His love for Arsenal grows slowly but he still misses home. He relishes in small reminders of Germany; hearing strangers talking in German on the streets, passing a restaurant of German food. He sees someone in a Bayern Munich jersey and his heart **aches**. 

•○•

Lukas talks to Bastian everyday; messages him, calls him up, chats with him over Skype. Lukas is the one who usually phones Bastian up every night when it's 11:15 p.m. in London. It's become one of their customary practices. Bastian sometime ends up paying Lukas' phone bill (but he doesn't mind, he would never mind).

Some nights, Lukas curls up underneath his bed sheets and calls Bastian. It makes him feel like they're in the same room and they're sleeping on the bed and everything is **perfect** (but it's not the same thing as falling asleep with Bastian's arms around him.)

But some nights, and these nights are not as rare as they used to be, Lukas will lie in bed, wracked with pained sobs. He's homesick but he's a grown man but he's _homesick_ and he misses Bastian. He loves Arsenal and he's proving himself in a big club but it's nights like these that take him back to the past. He remembers the articles from 2012; articles about how Bastian has risen to the occasion, how he's like a soldier, how Poldi pales in comparison to him. (Bastian is a soldier; his skin has become an armour.) There are articles about how _Schweini_ has become **Basti** but _Poldi_ is still **Poldi.** He giggles with tears streaming down his face when he thinks of the article that said that he and Bastian were never as good friends as they were made out to be. The media vultures were pretty off the mark with that one. (He knows that the articles about them not being good friends are the consequences of his own words.)

 

It’s one of those nights and he closes his eyes and counts to ten, telling himself to calm down, telling himself to stop looking back onto the past. He's not what the media says, he's awesome and he's proving it. He's not jealous of Bastian, he could never be jealous of him, he loves him too much but he hates himself for feeling so inadequate and - his phone rings. It's Bastian, it's always Bastian. It's 11:30 p.m. London time, he forgot to call Bastian.

“Luki? What’s the matter?”

Bastian’s worried and Lukas breaks down over the phone. The laughter and the smiles that masked his pain are unused and he’s brutally honest about everything. This isn’t the first conversation they’ve had about it, it’s happened before as well and like _last_ time, and the _time_ before that, and the time **before** that, Bastian listens patiently. (He hates seeing Lukas like this, it tears him apart. He loves this man and it pains to see the same person who is sunshine personified, who laughs so much and makes everybody laugh has learnt to hide his sadness behind happiness. Lukas is a happy man but he’s not _brimming_ with happiness, the pain still lies within him.)

Bastian helps him by listening to him rant. The next time it happens, they talk it through over the phone. The incidents reduce as the pain fades away and Bastian’s glad that Lukas is genuinely happy. (Bastian doesn’t know that the incidents will come back in _two_ years.)

•○•

Lukas is better, happier and comfortable at Arsenal. He’s found a new **home**. When he signed on the dotted line which officially made him an Arsenal player, he thought he had said goodbye to playing against Bastian again. It had filled him with sorrow, but he’d forgotten about the Champions League. He'd forgotten about the _fucking_ Champions League.

He’s at Per’s place watching the draw for the Round of 16 of the UEFA Champions League 2012 - 2013. It’s going to be Arsenal versus Bayern Munich and he can’t _breathe._

•○•

Lukas picks up the phone on the first ring itself, “Miśku?” (He has numerous nicknames for Miroslav Klose.  _Miśku_ is just one of them. Lukas likes keeping nicknames for people, likes thinking about them and finding words to properly describe them - words that signify how important these people are to him. **Bastian** \- he calls Bastian scores of names but ‘ _mein hase_ ’ is his favourite. He whispers it to Bastian over the phone, mumbles it against Bastian’s skin, writes it in messages.) 

Lukas can hear the steady, rhythmic rise and fall of Miroslav’s breathing and then Miro says, “Thomas **kissed** me.”

The conversation flows effortlessly into Polish. It’s a relief to hear the language again. Yes, Lukas speaks to Wojciech in Polish, but Wojciech is not a blend of Polish and German. There’s a certain sense of comfort in hearing the familiar lilt of Miroslav’s voice. He recognises himself in it. The Polish language is tinted with their story, their history; their **life** in Germany. Miroslav's voice doesn't waver as he tells Lukas that Thomas kissed him during international break. (International break was _weeks_ ago.) Lukas understands why Miroslav's taken such a long time to tell him. He understands Miro, has learnt the intricacies of his thinking, knows that Miroslav needs to think and reflect before doing something. Miroslav is careful, cautious, _quiet_. (He’s in many ways, Thomas’ opposite.)  Miroslav tells Lukas that he was not surprised by the kiss. He saw it coming and didn’t do anything to stop it  to from escalating into a kiss - Thomas and he have been dancing around an attraction for years. Miroslav is married, Thomas is married, Thomas is a _boy_.

Lukas asks, “Do you love him?”

Miroslav is quiet. Lukas can hear the gears turning in Miroslav's head as he formulates an answer.  Lukas detects the faint undertones of pain and resignation in Miro’s voice as he replies, “Not the way he wants me to. I love all of you, I love him but it’s not the kind of love he wants. I can’t give that to him. I can’t love him”

Lukas immediately understands what Miroslav is saying. Miroslav has refused to let himself love Thomas, refused to let his feelings of attraction turn into something more. He doesn’t want to start a fire burning within his soul; he’s quenching the **flames** before they grow. ( _Denial_.)

“We could have been something but I couldn’t risk it. There’s a certain charm about Thomas, a magnetic force draws you to him. He makes me feel old, Lukas,” Miroslav pauses but Lukas knows that he's not yet finished. “But at the same time, he makes me feel young. It could have been exhilarating to be with him but Lukas, I couldn’t do it, I can never do it. I love Sylwia, she's everything to me and I could never hurt her. And there are my baby boys, I don’t want to destroy my family.”

(The mention of Sylwia makes Lukas think of Monika. He's hurting his wife.)

“Mirek, listen to me, Thomas is going to be okay and you're going to be okay. He'll get over it as will you. I know you called me because I'm your friend but you also called me because I'm in a similar situation but I'm too far gone. I can't stop and I love him too much. But you haven't done anything and you love Sylwia, talk to her, Miro. Tell her everything. Tell her how much you love her,” Lukas feels a little bit strange giving advice to Miroslav but that is what Miroslav phoned him for - advice, support, friendship.

(Bastian and he have crossed the point of no return; he's in love with his best friend. He should talk to Monika. She is his wife but she's not the one he loves. That's why he isn't going to tell Monika about Bastian.)

•○• 

Thomas sounds so cheery and **bright** over the phone and Lukas wonders whether this is a mask or whether Thomas is actually happy.

“Miro called,” Lukas says casually, noting the way Thomas is suddenly quiet. Lukas continues, “Mülli, are you okay?”

“He told you, huh?”

“Yes.”

Lukas listens patiently as Thomas opens up, telling him about his teenage crush on Miro and Lukas realises that this has been going on for a long time. Thomas tells him how he thought there could be something between him and Miro and so he kissed him. It was reckless and a mistake and he regretted it the instant he saw the panic in Miroslav's eyes. Miroslav didn't love him, he cared about him but it wasn't _love_.

Thomas sounds bitter when he says he has a history of stupid mistakes and Lukas hates it, he hates hearing that sharpness in Thomas' voice because it _isn't_ Thomas.

He's rambling and repeating himself but Lukas listens patiently because he understands that Thomas needs this. Lukas is not surprised when Thomas reveals that Lisa knew about Thomas' crush on Miroslav. Thomas is open about everything, he's easy to read because he wears his heart on his sleeve and his emotions are written on his face. Lisa knows that he's had a crush on Miro because he told her on one of their dates. She's always teased him about it because she's his wife and his best friend. She loves him, loves him even though he's **flawed** and silly and prone to clumsiness. She loves him even though he does stupid things like spontaneously kissing Miroslav Klose. He'd told her about the kiss, the words spilling out of his mouth as she held him in her arms. She forgave him because she loves him and Thomas loves her. His crush on Miroslav was a big, huge fucking mistake. He'd been so stupid. Miroslav didn't love him. Thomas knows that it's going to be awkward for awhile because _he kissed Miroslav_ but he hopes that it doesn't last for too long because Miro is a mentor, a friend.

Thomas suddenly laughs, “I was going to say he's like a paternal figure in the national team, an older brother but I kissed him and that's just weird.” Lukas bursts out laughing because _that_ is weird and also, Thomas is cracking jokes and that is good.

Lukas knows that Miroslav does feel for Thomas but he isn't going to say anything because Miro doesn't want him too, Miro doesn't want to take a chance on Thomas. (Thomas is Miro's opposite and Miro is attracted to him but he's not going to risk ruining his family. Lukas knows that Miro is going to hide away his feelings.)

Thomas sounds better, normal, and that sets off alarm bells in Lukas' head. Thomas sounds like he's okay with what has happened and that's surprising. He wants to question him on it but he decides not to because Thomas deserves the benefit of the doubt and maybe he really is okay. Maybe he's buried it away, locked up his feelings - his love and pain. Or, maybe he's lying. Lukas doesn't want to push him and lets the matter slide.

He thinks that they're both going to be alright, he hopes that time will heal their wounds. Miroslav with his grace and calm strength will bury it to the depths of his mind and Thomas will laugh and smile and forget about it. They'll look back one day and laugh together. They'll be okay. (But maybe, their situation will never be fully resolved, maybe it will settle between them as a chance they didn't take. It will be looking at them when they interact and they will ignore it and smile and _forget_.)

He thinks he's the wrong person to be giving people relationship advice; his relationships are a fucking mess. It is 11:15 p.m. London time and Lukas phones Bastian up, he has a lot to tell him. 

(Thomas blinks away the tears as he switches off his phone. He's told Lukas a mixture of truths and lies - lies that will become truths one day. He isn't okay, but he is going to be, _one day_.)

•○• 

The Adidas Google+ Hangout is super fun, why would it now be? It’s Thomas, Per, Bastian, the interviewer and him. Lukas does nothing to contain his excitement about the fact that he’s going to be able to see Bastian again. Per gives him a look that says ‘you’re so fucking _obvious_ , you idiot.’ He doesn’t care though. He knows he’s being obvious, he knows **they’re** being obvious; layering their conversation with inside jokes, references and undertones. 

Bastian’s jealousy comes as a surprise. Lukas makes a mental note to talk to Bastian about it later on.  But for now he just relishes in the easiness and laughter of their conversation. In a few days it's going to be a little bit different; they're going to enter the pitch as opponents.

Lukas watches Thomas carefully and Thomas is being his usual dorkish self; shiteating grin, bright eyes, excited. Thomas is healing. (It isn't an _act_.)

•○•

It’s the Champions League match and he’s standing outside the stadium. He’s going to be playing against his former club, against his friends, against Bastian.

Per’s besides him, looking up at the stadium and he pats his shoulder encouragingly. Lukas smiles gratefully at him and quips, “Don’t let Bastian see you. He won’t be impressed.”

Per grimaces, “He’s my friend, your boyfriend and he’s actually _jealous_ of me. Bastian is jealous of me. Do you have any idea how awkward that makes me feel?”

Lukas just laughs and walks into the stadium. The sound of the fans is drowned out by his _heartbeat_.

 •○•

They lose against Bayern Munich but Lukas makes no mention of it when he’s lying with Bastian on the bed. Bastian lazily kisses him; it’s their **hundred and seventh** kiss. Lukas idly traces patterns on Bastian’s stomach. It’s not the best time to broach the issues but he knows he needs to clear things up. He props himself up on an elbow and looks at his boyfriend. Bastian tilts his head to look up at him properly, “Luki? What’s the matter?” 

“We need to talk about Per and your jealousy.” 

Bastian’s face turns ashen as he whispers, “You’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

The insecurity and the pain in Bastian’s voice breaks Lukas’ heart. He climbs over his boyfriend, straddling him. He kisses him for the **hundred and eighth** time. With their foreheads touching, he says reassuringly, “I’m not fucking anyone besides you.” 

“Monika?” 

Lukas’ heart sinks at the mention of _Monika_. He thinks of Monika who stayed back in Cologne with Louis when he moved to Arsenal and he feels like shit. He’s cheating on his wife with his best friend. What is he doing?

“Bastian, she’s my wife. And you’re with Sarah. But I love you.”

The words hang in the air between them. Bastian pulls Lukas down and kisses him. They don’t want to think about the fact that they’re already in relationships.

Before Bastian leaves, they decide that they’re going to have to tell their partners about their relationship. They don’t want to but they know they _have_ to. They’ve been hurting the women in their life and they are **aware** of it. If they could walk away from each other and pretend that they didn’t mean the world to each other, it might have never come to this. But, they can’t do that. They’ve crept under each other’s skin over the years and they can’t let go. They’ve let each other go physically, separated by an ocean, divided by the club colours that they wear and yet, still hopelessly in love. They’re stuck in each other’s orbit.

(Lukas makes it a point to ask about Thomas. Bastian knows about everything that transpired between Miroslav and Thomas. He smiles and tells Lukas that Thomas is Thomas and that’s everything Lukas wanted to hear.)

•○• 

Bayern Munich win the UEFA Champions League 2012-2013. Bastian's screaming and crying over the phone because they've won, he's won. Lukas is shaking with tears as he listens to his boyfriend, he's so happy, so fucking happy for Bastian, for _Bayern_. Bastian sounds ecstatic over the phone and he has every right to be; Lukas is so proud of him. He's proud of the midfield maestro, the **fußballgott**.

He consoles Louis, tells him that Borussia Dortmund will bounce back because he thinks that is what his son wants to hear. (It is not. Louis isn't too upset because even though he doesn't support Bayern Munich, he's happy for the man who wears the number 31 of Bayern Munich.)

So when Louis looks up at his father and says, “Uncle Basti deserved it.” Lukas' heart feels too **big** for his chest. He hugs his son and whispers, fingers running through soft blond hair, “Yes, he deserved it. He deserves everything that is good in this world.”

•○• 

Lukas and Bastian had decided to talk to their respective partners but in the end, Lukas doesn’t have to say anything to Monika because before he can say anything, Monika brings up the issue of Bastian.

It’s **2013** and Lukas is in Cologne for awhile. He’s lying on his own bed after such a long time and it’s soft and heavenly. Monika is sitting cross-legged besides him, watching him with a soft smile on her face. It’s a blissful moment but it’s slowly drawing to its close. Lukas glances up at Monika when she clears her throat, “Yeah?”

“We were both raised as Roman Catholics. We were taught that love is between God and humanity, between a man and a woman.”

Lukas sits up and stares at his wife because he knows where this conversation is going to go. Monika _knows_ about Bastian. Monika continues, “I didn’t think a man could love a man. It was wrong, unnatural, against my religion, _our_ religion. But, we’re never been particularly religious so that doesn’t count for much. I’ve known about you and Bastian for a very, very long time now. I knew even before Louis was born and I kept telling myself that you’ll stop, it’s just sex. It didn’t stop. I watched as the lie I believed in collapsed like a house of cards around me. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to hate Bastian, but I just couldn’t. I care about you too much and you’re my friend. It took me forever to come to terms with the fact that **love** is love and it has no boundaries. And at the heart of it, religion is about love.”

Lukas recognises the calm resignation in his wife’s sad eyes and he feels deflated. He’s the cause for the pain he sees in Monika. He hugs his wife, whispering quietly, “I'm sorry, Moni.”

“Sarah knows about this too and she’s going to talk to Bastian about it today. Lukas, maybe at one point of time, I had your heart but now, it’s Bastian’s. At one point of time, I was in love with you. Time and circumstances have changed that. You and me, we’re just friends.”

Lukas wraps an arm around Monika as they lie down on the bed. They talk through the night. Lukas thinks that it’s tragically ironic that this is their first proper heart-to-heart after months.

Monika should divorce him. She deserves someone better than him. Lukas tells her that. Monika is quiet, staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. She thinks of her son, sleeping in his room and she makes her decision. She doesn’t want to _divorce_ Lukas, she doesn’t want the publicity, she doesn’t want to hurt **Louis**. She’s going to stay for her precious baby. They don’t want him to know the truth as yet. (They don’t know if it’s the _right_ decision but at 12 in the night, they feel that it is.)

“You love Bastian, it’s something I’ve accepted. You can’t escape each other because no matter what, the two of you somehow always find your way back to each other.”  Monika pauses, and glances at Lukas who’s watching her with sad eyes. “People will talk if we publicly break up, Lukas, people will talk. They’ll speculate about you and Bastian, they already pass comments on the nature of your relationship. It will get worse; for you and Bastian, for me, Sarah and Louis.”

His wife is right. Monika is **right**. Lukas thinks of Bastian. He thinks of Sarah and Monika. He feels shame slinking beneath his skin, coursing through his blood. Sarah and Monika; Bastian and he have hurt these strong and fierce women and he’s ashamed. 

•○• 

It is international break and Lukas still can’t believe that Sarah and Monika have decided to stay. They should have left but they haven’t done that. Monika is staying because of Louis, Sarah is staying because Bastian is her friend and she knows how important she is to Bastian, to Bastian’s image. (They’ve been together for such a long time.) She’s an accomplished model and she doesn’t need Bastian but she’s does still care about him. She stayed.

Lukas feels Bastian’s arms tighten around him and Bastian whispers against his neck, “I can hear you thinking, go to sleep babe.”

It’s cheesy and it makes Lukas smile. (He’s lying in Bastian’s arms and he knows it isn’t the best place to thing about their wives and girlfriends.) Lukas closes his eyes and falls asleep with a prayer on his lips. It’s a thank you prayer. (Lord, thank you for _everything._ The Bible may speak against people like him but he was raised in this religion. He will still pray and still believe but he won’t view himself with distrust anymore. Centuries have passed since the Bible was written, years have passed since Lukas realised he was bisexual.)

•○• 

Per is at Lukas' place. The TV is on and they're watching the draw for the Round of 16 of the UEFA Champions League 2013-14. He sees Arsenal's name on the slip of paper and he sees the names of the clubs they can be drawn against. He knows it is _selfish_ but he's praying for Bayern Munich. It **is** Bayern Munich.

It's Arsenal versus Bayern Munich again. Per shakes his head, “I guess we'll be going to Germany.”

Lukas grins because they’re going to Germany, to _Munich_. He looks down at his phone. It's flooded with text messages from his Arsenal teammates and his friends at Bayern Munich. There's also a _text_ from Bastian. Lukas decides to reply to all his messages later on and instead dials Bastian's number.

 •○•

In the end, Bayern Munich makes it to the next round. Lukas should be bothered by that or at least a little bit annoyed but he doesn’t want to dwell on the match. He wants to spend his time on things of more importance – Bastian. Their names made the score sheet and it’s for different clubs, but still, they _both_ scored.

They’re in bed and Bastian is talking about the World Cup. Lukas has to remind himself to breathe because the World Cup is so _close_ and he believes that this is going to be their year (he’s believed that every four years, they all have.) Bastian’s talking about their chances, about the competition, about Brazil and his eyes are so bright. Lukas kisses him for the **hundred and thirty-sixth** time. Bastian glances at him with a warm smile, “Is that your way of telling me to shut up?”

Lukas laughs and it’s loud and resonates in their hotel room. (Bastian has missed Lukas’ laugh so much. Hearing it in person is different from hearing it over the phone, or on Skype. Bastian loves the way Lukas’ eyes crinkle up when he laughs, loves his _laughter lines_.) 

“Yes, you fucking idiot, I’m telling you to shut up. Don’t we have better things to do than discuss football in bed?”

“We can discuss the weather if you want to?” Bastian giggles when Lukas punches him in the arm. Bastian smiles against Lukas’ lips, “I’m just kidding.”

(They’re both so free and relaxed and _light_. There’s a certain ease to the way they move against each other. They’re both **happy**.)

  •○•

  

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry about miro and thomas

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment :)
> 
> (i'm also on [tumblr](http://normalplaces.tumblr.com))


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